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Friday, July 8, 2011
6:02 AM

Came home from a long night out not long ago. Can't fall asleep because a lot of thoughts are running in my head and I need to write them down.

To be honest I didn't have the best time of my life tonight. This isn't how I pictured a "reunion" with my friends. It should be fun. For me.

What I got instead were teasing about my gaining weight and discovering that my best friends all think I'm a big money spender. Frankly I'm disappointed. Hurt? Maybe. Depressed? Maybe not. I've learnt to deal with shit life throws at you. I'd like to think that I'm slightly more mature and independent now.

I know my friends didn't mean any harm and don't get me wrong, I'm all for joking about someone's appearance once in a while. Just for a good laugh. But if you do it all the time, it's not cool. Don't lie, everyone wants to look good. I may not show it, but I do have insecurities. Heck, everyone has insecurities. But ah... Maybe I've made fun of too many people. Now it's my turn. Karma is a bitch. Anyway...

About the money spending thing, I refuse to concur. I feel like I wasn't given a chance to defend myself when five of them were throwing arrows at me at the same time. I don't know why I want to explain. I don't even know if they'll read this. I don't even know why it's such a big deal to be a big "money spender". I guess it just didn't make me feel good.

I have been writing down my expenses and keeping track of my spendings in Melbourne all this while. I don't overspend and I've told my dad countless of times that I don't need that much money. But being the loving dad that he is, he always ensures I have enough money with me. Whenever I go out, he asks if I have enough money. Even when I say I do, he always ends up giving me more. When I'm done with exams and just stayed at home in Melbourne, he asked me to go out and shop. I don't spend money on a lot of clothes (except once in a while because of the weather), I don't spend money on manicure, pedicure, make-up (all those beauty stuff, you get it)... I don't spend money on cigarettes, drinks, clubbing...

Yes I do have lots of iPods. Things that cost a lot of money. But I didn't get them all at one go. Or with ease. I got my first iPod in 2006 as a reward for my PMB results. I got my MacBook as a reward for my O Level results. I got my second iPod in 2010 with my birthday money. I got my first phone in 2009 when my friends have had them for years. My dad was the one who asked me to get an iPhone. I don't know, are these all really that bad? That bad that they imply I'm some sort of a fail daughter who doesn't care about my parents' money?

I am incredibly grateful and blessed that my mum and dad are able to support us the way they can. And maybe in a way that some parents can't. Am I to blame for that? Do we all just don't eat because there are people out there who can't afford food?

We all know life isn't fair. Just like I'm not blessed with a "Maths mind". Just like I'm not blessed with a beautiful face or killer body. Just like I'm not blessed with musical talents. Just like I'm not blessed with incredible dancing skills. And so much more.

I'm not trying to prove anything. I love my friends and I hope what I've typed has provoked your minds and inspired some insightful thoughts. As always, I'm gonna continue become a better person and learn some more. Hopefully when I return in December they'll see a better growth in me.

Cheers.